Comments on: How Do You Validate Someone When They’re Angry With You?

By: Michael S. Sorensen

Michael S. Sorensen — Thu, 31 Dec 2020 20:25:54 +0000

In reply to Karen. Hi Karen, Thank you for this, and for sharing the example from that relationship. The dynamics can be tricky, and, I think you're right—your boyfriend would have probably appreciated a little validation before the gentle reminder of, "you volunteered for this." ;) But we live and learn! Regarding what to do when you feel dismissed or invalidated, I don't have an article specifically addressing such a situation in the workplace. The closest would be What To Do If Your Partner Isn’t Great at Listening or Validating. I like question, though, and will put it on my list as one to address more specifically in a future article. Michael

By: Karen

Karen — Thu, 31 Dec 2020 06:04:49 +0000

I wish I had read this years ago! My last boyfriend started out by being very supportive and understanding, but became less so as time went on. I realize now that I didn’t validate him when he needed it, because I simply didn’t recognize what he was asking for, and why I was so upset when he would invalidate me.
When he was away working, he texted me to complain that he’d had a horrible day working in the pouring rain. If he were nearby, I would have hugged him and made him a cup of tea; but because he was away – and I resented it because he went without my opinion even being asked – I texted him “you volunteered for this” instead of what I really wanted to say, which was “and I miss you terribly.” He broke up with me when he got home.
If I had known that we both felt ignored, instead of just me, our conversations could have been very different.

Do you have an article on what I can say when I’m feeling dismissed and therefore invalidated? It happens to me often in workplaces, sometimes managers seem to view any concerns or suggestions as an attack on their management skills. I’ve actually had my concerns about workload, resulting in my having tendonitis in both hands, while the department was 40% understaffed, dismissed with “work faster.”

By: Lou

Lou — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 07:10:46 +0000

Thankyou for this article. I find using these strategies particularly difficult when my mum heaps criticism on my family and friends. I really struggle when she make factually incorrect statements about them (eg about deaf friend she said needs to ‘listen more carefully’, or another friend of mine she insists ‘thinks she’s perfect’);and with the constant list of people she complains are in touch with her too much or not enough. Validation is so important, but I find myself challenging more than I mean too. I will recharge my efforts!

By: Michael S. Sorensen

Michael S. Sorensen — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:22:02 +0000

In reply to Angela farmer. Invalidation can absolutely be harmful, and is often a part of emotional abuse. If you feel you are in such a relationship, I urge you seek the help of a qualified professional, as *any* abuse—emotional and/or physical—is completely unacceptable.

By: Angela farmer

Angela farmer — Wed, 20 May 2020 22:13:52 +0000

Can an invalidater be dangerous because I am with someone who just mentally abusive to me I tell you I’d rather get physical abused

By: Michael S. Sorensen

Michael S. Sorensen — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 22:21:32 +0000

In reply to Steven.

Hi Steven,

Thank you for taking the time to reach out. It sounds like you’ve been able to find additional articles on my site diving deeper into validation. If you haven’t done so already, I do recommend you grab a copy of my book (available as audio or print—whichever you prefer), if you’re looking for the most thorough dive into the topic of validation. If you’ve already done so, and still have questions, my podcast—and the other articles on my site—are going to be your best bet.

Kind regards,

Michael

By: Steven

Steven — Fri, 21 Feb 2020 18:35:23 +0000

Thank you for your efforts in “trying” to teaching me a better way to communicate with my spouse as well as handle her false accusations. My wife and I have been married 25 years. For me, 20 years happily. For her, maybe 10. I say that because our perceptions of reality are quite different. She bases reality on feelings while I base it on known fact. Almost all of our arguments stem from her trying to communicate how my actions caused her to feel “condemned”, “discounted”, or “lectured to”. This usually entails me being labeled as someone I am not and I don’t respond well. Our argument then just goes in circles and nothing gets resolved. I find it extremely hard to accept responsibility to “validate” such harsh accusations that are 100% false. I’m extremely black and white therefore on one hand don’t understand why we as humans have to be so sensitive to peoples “feelings” when those “feelings” are based on misperceptions. It seems a better method would be “Identify the problem”, “determine truth/reality”, then “adjust and move on” based on this truth. However, I see the affects of not learning or applying this skill of navigating through conversations using your validation method earlier in my marriage. It has swept me downstream on a fast moving river and will make it even harder to reconcile my relationship with my spouse. Point me to anything you have written or read that helps couples repair years of poor communication skills. Thanks again!

By: Michael S. Sorensen

Michael S. Sorensen — Mon, 30 Dec 2019 23:55:42 +0000

In reply to John Froot. Hi John, So funny you post this—I literally just finished writing an article discussing this very point, and it addresses Narcissistic Personality Disorder specifically, and touches on BPD (simply linking to supportive research, as I don't have experience with BPD): "When Validation is *Not* the Answer." Thank you for taking the time to comment and point out this distinction. Michael

By: John Froot

John Froot — Mon, 30 Dec 2019 23:40:24 +0000

I appreciate the content however will note that this particular system may not be a one-size-fits-all approach.

I am particularly concerned with the possible perception of boundaries if one is validating feelings of say an individual that exhibits Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder characteristics.

An example of this was when I was communicating to an individual who would use anger and aggression toward me when we discussed more serious matters.

There is simply no validation that could occur for an individual in this situation.

The individual said that I caused them to react to me in this way and that it was my fault she would communicate with anger and malice.

I just think this distinction is imperative to note.

By: Michael S. Sorensen

Michael S. Sorensen — Wed, 16 Oct 2019 17:51:43 +0000

In reply to Cody.

Thanks, Cody. It’s been a while since I’ve read Crucial Conversations – I’ll brush up on it!

By: Michael S. Sorensen

Michael S. Sorensen — Wed, 16 Oct 2019 17:44:07 +0000

In reply to mary. Oh yes...much easier said than done. Thank you for the kind words.

By: Cody

Cody — Wed, 16 Oct 2019 17:03:17 +0000

So good. Thank you for sharing. I love the concept of taking ownership where you can (and often should). Also, I’ve seen the “and” not “but” method make a conversation much more successful. Overall, very interesting and quite helpful. And :), I’d love to know your thoughts on the “Crucial Conversations” idea of how to stay in dialogue by making it safe during a heated argument like the one you describe above. Please keep the trainings coming!

By: mary

mary — Wed, 16 Oct 2019 14:40:00 +0000

Oh boy is it true.
I wish I had the patience not to scream in one second “That is sooooo not true” without listening the other person finishing the sentence..

These principles are beautiful and should be taught at school.
Suscribed to blog.
Keep up wonderful work 🙂