Thank you! It’s not on Pandora – that’s a great suggestion. I’ll get it listed, thank you!

Thank you, Alyssa!

I was thinking about old wounds and coming up with fresh pain for them, and your article about “validating when you don’t agree” really spoke to me. I followed some links to your podcast and I’m glad that I did; this episode is something I’ve been needing to hear (even though technically I read it, haha).

I can feel myself cringing at words like “pitiful” and “victim,” I can feel myself getting defensive about those words, and that’s telling me I’m still choosing certain beliefs in my head.

Thank you for doing what you do! Today I feel inspired to talk to myself haha, and find out where I’m choosing to suffer and how I can choose to either change those things or change how I look at those things.

I’ve been in therapy for so long now, and I know I’ve been struggling to make progress because there’s still parts of me not feeling heard. I look forward to reading and listening to more of your thoughts on emotional healing and growth!

Thank you!

Excellent question! And you’re spot on – validation is key in these discussions, even and especially when setting boundaries.

Hi Peter, thank you! No official ETA on season 2 just yet, but I have the topic lineup complete and have begun writing the episodes. I will keep you posted.

Hi Darci,

That’s not an easy situation to be in. If you haven’t already, you might try finding a good couple’s counsellor. If you’ve gone the rounds and your partner makes light of your requests or feelings, it can be helpful to talk it out with a third party. Of course, if your partner won’t even entertain the thought of counseling or therapy, you’ll need to set firmer boundaries. Deciding first with yourself what you are and aren’t willing to put up with in the relationship, and what you will do if he decides he isn’t willing to honor that.

Michael

Hi Anonymous,

First off, kudos to you for holding your ground and addressing your needs. As to how to respond, it obviously depends on the recent conversation, what your relationship looked like, etc. But in general, you might consider preparing a more final response for the next time he reaches out. So if he messages you again asking for sex, you might say, “No, thank you. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not interested in a casual relationship. I enjoyed our time together *and* I ask that you please not message me again. Thank you and I wish you all the best.”

Michael

Hi Suzanne,

It sounds like the situation you’ve described is what I speak to in the article – how difficult it is being the one interested in someone, but getting mixed signals in return. They don’t keep the conversations flowing, they are always “busy” when you ask to do something, etc. In those instances, I found myself wishing the other person would just tell me they weren’t interested rather than leave me guessing. Candor is kind!

Michael

Michael,

I met a guy (younger than me) a few years back, we went out, I had a good time and it turned in a one night stand (for me). We spoke a few times and seen each other in passing, but I really wasn’t interested. However, periodically he will see a post of mine on social media and he will reach out, wanting to have sex again. He says, he “really enjoyed the sex, and would like to see me and that he is not interested in a relationship”. I have never taken him up on the offer, tho. Yet, he continues to text me periodically.

This time tho, he has been texting me for about a month, consistently and still just wants sex. I have told him that I am not interested in just that, I want a relationship, (not necessarily with him though), thinking that would get him to go away, it didn’t. He continues to text, good morning, how are you, etc.. He’s not a bad guy, I am just not into him.

How do I tell him to stop contacting me without being harsh about it?

Hi Anna, I’m sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of the “ghosting.” Not a fun or easy spot to be in at all.

Michael

Hi Erin,

This is tough. Without knowing the details of the relationship, each of your histories, etc. it will be difficult to give advice. Have you discussed therapy with him? It seems, from what you’ve said, he will be opposed to it. But you’re right that that’s no way to live, and certainly not a relationship you’ll want to stay in, if he doesn’t change. The best general advice I can give here is to find a good therapist, and then attend together if he is willing. If he’s not, I recommend visiting with the therapist yourself for a few sessions to get their take. Not an easy situation at all…my heart goes out to you.

Michael

Thank you!

Hi Alice,

Congrats on recognizing all of these expectations – that’s the first step. And while you know I’m a big fan of communication, there are times when talking things out isn’t the best option. Without knowing specifics of your conversations and how she’s showing up, it is difficult for me to provide specific advice. But speaking generally, it may be the case with your mother in law that you take a more conflict-avoidant approach, and do your best to not bring up topics or conversations you don’t want her advice on. Simply because you know how she’ll respond, and you don’t want to have to deal with it that day.

Alternatively (or perhaps in conjunction with such a conflict-avoidant approach), you and your husband might want to set some clear boundaries with her. Such as saying, “We appreciate the love and support you show us. And, we’d appreciate you asking if we’d like advice rather than launching right into it,” or whatever it is.

Not a fun situation…and definitely one worth figuring out!

Michael

Hi Pam,

Not an easy situation! My recommendation from the article still stands, though—being direct and honest is the *kindest* way to let him down.

Michael

Hi James,

I agree that there are times when “agreeing to disagree” is the best option. Without better understanding the history and dynamics of your conversation, I couldn’t offer advice specific to your situation, but you are right that not every discussion has to end with the other person feeling perfectly understood and/or right. With arguments that aren’t central to your relationship (i.e. making sure you’re not avoiding difficult conversations that need to be had), it can be best for both people to just “agree to disagree” and move on.

Michael

I have a 76 year old man interested in me. I am 72. He knows my boyfriend died 1 year ago. He keeps flirting with me. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I am just not interested.

My question is what’s the best way to deal with someone who has unstated expectations of you? I have a difficult relationship with my mother-in-law: my husband and I often fail to meet her unexpressed expectations of us and are then punished for it (and I think I’m scapegoated) – which causes me (not my husband so much) to feel resentful in turn. I know communication should be key, but when I’ve tried that myself it’s tended to backfire rather than improve things. I’ve learned that it really needs to come from my husband, and he treads very carefully in this regard. There is a strange communication dynamic (or at least it’s strange to me) in their family and a fear of upsetting my mother-in-law.

Equally, I recognise that my in-laws are very different from my own parents, and I have often been surprised and disappointed that she has not met my own unconscious expectations of what a parent/in-law should be like.

I’ve also noticed that my husband has higher expectations of me and my conduct in relation towards his parents than he does of them in relation to me. That feels unfair.

Any help would be gratefully received!
Alice

Hi DeAun,

Thank you for your comment. And my hat’s off to you for jumping back in; I’m sure much has changed in 35 years, and no—dating is never easy!

Michael

Thank you for writing this article. I’m 52 and haven’t dated in 35 years, so this is all new. I have a big heart (probably why I’m a teacher) and am always worried about hurting feelings. Especially when they have expressed feelings for me. I even let it keep going thinking I will become more attracted to them somehow. But then it only gets harder to gracefully bow out.
I googled how to word things, went not interested. Your advice stood out! This dating thing is brutal in my opinion.
Thank you again for your wisdom and clarity.

Hi Susan,

Yes, I will have someone from my publishing company reach out to you at the email you provided.

Michael

Hi Cora,

I don’t blame you for one second for having lost your patience. Going in circles like that, and never feeling validated, can be crazy-making. Have you considered seeing a counselor, or marriage/couples therapist? You will need to have some difficult conversations with your partner, set and hold boundaries, and get support from trusted others. While much of my content here and on my podcast can provide tools and techniques, I highly recommend seeking the help of a qualified therapist or counselor.

Michael

Hi Maya,

That’s a tough situation. My article on what to do when someone is constantly complaining, and my podcast episodes on boundaries here and here may help, as you’re right—you can’t just lay back and validate, validate, validate all day every day and expect things to change. Validation is a tool, but rarely the only tool needed for more difficult situations. The above articles provide a little more direction.

Michael

Question what do you do when you feel even though you validate their feelings you’re constantly expected to each time they jump to their conclusion after conclusion, assassinating your character in the process. It’s like they start little fires everywhere and I’m expected to put one out one right after the other. It’s pretty exhausting having to be guilty until proven innocent. All the whiles the other person also ignores all the other finer parts of a productive conversation etiquette . They make assumptions, they jump to conclusions, they get aggressive, they talk over or interrupt you, they curse at you, they gaslight you. Not only am I expected to keep my cool they but want their feelings validated on command. They also haven’t done the emotional work to pinpoint their issues or articulate them properly enough for you to validate their experience but expect you to fix them. They even demand apologies even after you give them clarity and prove your innocence because apparently validating them first is more important.

Thanks for sharing that link, to a great article! Both articles have already given me some insight. What do you do when someone who feels consistently invalidated, is not doing it for others because they are so used to giving up? How can you communicate with someone who has valid emotions, but that you feel they invalidate yours, and you disagree?

Hi Ken,

I recommend you both listen to it together. But even if only you listen to it, it will still be helpful.

Michael

Hi John,

Have you tried the recommendations from the bottom part of this article? It sounds like you may be in a situation where you need to set a clear boundary with your girlfriend. Something like, “We’ve talked a lot about this, and I’m not quite certain how to help. I want to help, yet I feel like I’ve just become a complaint receiver and it’s starting to get quite draining. Do you have any solutions in mind? Any specific way I can help?”

Michael

Hi Pamela,

Nice work. And I’m happy to hear that guy respond well to it. Thanks for sharing!

This article has been incredibly useful in terms of getting me thinking so I wanted to thank you for that. My girlfriend is a perpetual complainer, and I feel I have almost enabled that by being there for her so much and listening, and offering help and advice when needed. It has however left me completely emotionally drained and I don’t know what to do with myself, as I’ve set up this expectation of being there no matter what to talk about anything wherever and whenever, but each complaint and each time I have to offer support brings me closer to an emotional breakdown. She does constantly apologise for bringing me down and realises what she’s doing, but I’m still not sure what to do.

I was hoping you may be able to offer some advice for this situation and maybe help me out a bit?

All the best,

John

Thanks, Abby. I have confidence you can!

Hi Rose,

This is tough. Definitely sounds like you have a strong need for boundaries here. You can learn more about those here, here, and here, or get a thorough training with several examples from the Extraordinary Relationships Master Course.

Michael

Hi Karen,

Thank you for this, and for sharing the example from that relationship. The dynamics can be tricky, and, I think you’re right—your boyfriend would have probably appreciated a little validation before the gentle reminder of, “you volunteered for this.” 😉 But we live and learn! Regarding what to do when you feel dismissed or invalidated, I don’t have an article specifically addressing such a situation in the workplace. The closest would be What To Do If Your Partner Isn’t Great at Listening or Validating. I like question, though, and will put it on my list as one to address more specifically in a future article.

Michael

Do you have an article on what I can say when I’m feeling dismissed and therefore invalidated? It happens to me often in workplaces, sometimes managers seem to view any concerns or suggestions as an attack on their management skills. I’ve actually had my concerns about workload, resulting in my having tendonitis in both hands, while the department was 40% understaffed, dismissed with “work faster.”

Great Article AND now I will surely incorporate this idea into my life!

It doesn’t come naturally and yet if I am conscious of switching but with and, it helps.

Thanks

He is wearing me down and Im so close to being done in this damn relationship because its okay for him to constantly bitch about my son (who works full time too Id add) but when I speak up about things that bother me, eg: lack of touch, intimacy and affection (we sleep in seperate rooms and no sex in 10 months) he initially validates me, says he will take on board what I have said, but nothing changes.

So why can he constantly whinge about my son and that he should fo more, when he won’t change things I mention to him?

I’ve been having a hard time understanding how I wasn’t validating feelings with my partner.

This article brought it home for me. Now I hope I can turn things around.

Couldn’t agree more. If the people around you are dragging you down, it’s time to have the hard conversations, set some boundaries, and do what you need to to take care of yourself. Thank you for weighing in.

Hi Soni,

You are right that in cases where depression or other serious issues are at play, professional help may be required. And as you mentioned, validation and open communication here will be tools to use to help open up and guide that discussion, to determine necessary next steps. Thank you for weighing in.

Michael

Ugh, that’s no fun at all. Another prime example of how being tactful-yet-direct is the kindest thing we can do to those we interact with.

Hi May,

Thank you for asking this. First I will say, I don’t think you’re “wrong” for breaking up with him because he didn’t meet your expectations. I AM happy to hear you’ve recognized that you may not have been clear about those expectations, because it sounds like that’s true. Which tells me you’re taking responsibility for your part in that, which is awesome.

As to whether or not you should give him a second chance, that depends entirely on what you want. If you think the relationship could be great with improved communication around those things, and WANT to give it a second chance, there’s no harm in seeing if he feels the same way. As with most advice I give, I have to say “follow your heart” (as cheesy as that sounds). Because I have a very limited view of your relationship.

And I think after reading this article you know my view of communicating expectations—I see it as kind and romantic in its own way. If I have to choose between being in a relationship with someone who communicates their expectations to me and asks if I’m willing to meet them, and someone who quietly has those expectations but just expects me to read their mind, and then resents me for not being able to, I’d pick the first. 🙂 It’s not the Hollywood way, but in my experience, it’s the real-life way to have a strong, loving, connected relationship.

Michael

Hi Anonymous,

That’s a tough one. I will say, there’s nothing wrong with you for not being interested in someone. That’s why we date—to see if a relationship has staying power (and to see if we’re willing to put in the work required to make that relationship stay great, because I’m not aware of any relationship that just stays amazing without work 😉 ). If you feel the relationship could benefit from spending more time in person, and you’re willing to wait for that, great! But if not, I would be careful to not let feelings of what you “should” or “shouldn’t” do get in the way of what your heart tells you.

Michael

It is altogether too much mental work to try to maintain your center and happiness around someone who is constantly trying to bring you down. No man (or woman) is an island. Especially in a marriage.

Our friends with the habitually complaining partners probably need some power tools, as they may be dealing with partners with some underlying psychological problems. Reading between the lines of the initial inquirer, while one might call assuming, it sounds as if there might be some depression, dismissive behavior, emotional unavailability lurking around that house, and some professional help is needed, because he already said he isn’t going to participate in the negativity. The wife knows it. Saying “what are you going to do about it” is not necessarily productive, as she may very well, not know how to pull herself out of the hole she is in. This sounds very much like “just pull yourself up by your boot straps”. Maybe I am off….just sounds familiar to me.

I like the book and referring others to it, it is simple and easy to read and is easy to implement. A lot of bang for the buck.

Totally agreed with being upfront from start if there’s no interest after trying to get to know someone. In my case, the guy called, texted, facetime; morning, noon, and some late nights for about 1-wk 1/2. Immediately ask me out after his BD wknd spent w/son (?). Anyway, following his BD, he calls next morn left msg. (excuse) for not calling later in day as promised, saying we would talk later. Later came, (8hrs) I txt to ask if he could talk. “not right now, I will ring you later”. Never happened. Next day, no early morn call or text. I waited, text to make sure he’s okay. “thx for asking” was response, nothing more. Nor did he call or txt later. I said, to myself, no worries. Third day after BD, I text gm, he responded 2hrs. later, “GM hru”. I text later, “good”, is everything alright w/you. Hr later, “I’m ok, thx for asking bs”. I said enough is enough. I felt I was wasting my time, or being strung along for a ride. No official calls. WTF
I simply text: Glad you’re okay. Just asking, are you still interested in mtg for the wknd. Could be wrong, but I sense a disconnect. 2hrs and counting went by.
FYI: He told me he broke up w/his ex approx. 6-mo. prior to mtg me. I’m pretty intuitive. My guts told me they reconciled during his BD, and he does not have nerve to let me down easy, and or wants his cake /eat it too.
Thing about it I really liked this guy.

Tom, I am so sorry to hear this. That sounds like a terrible environment. (Validation) So….what are you going to do about it?
Actually, I say that all kind of tongue in cheek, as my hubby is the same way, which is why i just searched this topic and found this article. I wonder why our spouses are like this, what is their core reason for leaking their feelings in this corrosive way? I know mine suffers from perfectionism, procrastination and people pleasing, which results in inaction from him as he feels stuck and can’t decide what decisions to make, so he dumps on me. Sometimes I have enough energy to say to him, “It will be okay”, “You will make the right decision”, “I know you can handle this”, but other times he just drains me. One boundary i set in place is that when we get home from work for the first 20 minutes we will not start talking about anything serious or stressful. That way coming home is a happy environment that we look forward to. I am going to try the ideas in this article and keep an open dialogue about how i feel and listen to how he feels.

Hi Elizabeth,

I’m sorry you’re in that situation—it’s never easy ending a relationship. Without knowing the details of the situation, it’s tough for me to comment in depth. I will say, though, that ending a relationship over text generally isn’t advisable. My examples in this article pertain to situations where someone has expressed interest in dating, or maybe going out on a second date, not for times when you’re already in a relationship and wanting to break up. So my apologies if that was not clear. I’m a big proponent of phone or in-person conversations for anything that is difficult, sensitive, or emotionally charged.

So if you haven’t done so already, you might consider calling him up, validating the fact that breaking up over text wasn’t the best idea (e.g. “I’m sorry for sending that text—that’s not a great way to share something like this…I wanted to be sure I worded it well, but I realize now that it would have been more appropriate to call,” or whatever feels right to you) and then hope he is more respectful during your conversation in return.

But if he lashes out or goes passive-aggressive on you, you do not need to sit and take that. It’s entirely appropriate to say what you need to say, and then kindly wrap things up: “I’m simply not feeling it. Thank you for the time we had together and I wish you the best.”

Again, my heart goes out to you—I sometimes feel it’s harder being the one to end a relationship than being on the receiving end. No fun at all.

Michael

Thanks alot for the responses. Appreciate it. Trying to learn what I can about this validation concept as a loved one is in a bad place with alot of negative emotions but is getting extremely angry and keeps saying he feels invalidated.

Hello Michael,

I recently just told the guy I’ve been dating for a few months that’s I didn’t feel the relationship was progressing into what I wanted, therefor wanting to move on. I was very nice and respectful. His response was very passive aggressive and feels that sending the message via text was a crime.

That depends on whether or not you feel they’re open to changing their mind. In my experience, few people are open to alternate perspectives until they feel theirs has been heard and understood (which is where validation comes into play). However, there are plenty of times when people dig their heels in no matter what, and won’t change their opinion, even when validated and presented with the strongest counterarguments.

So in a situation like yours (whether hypothetical or real, I do not know), you may try to better understand their perspective, validate what you can, and then ask if they’re open to another perspective. Asking that question is big, as it shows respect, and invites them to verbalize whether they’re open or not.

The second thing I’d suggest you do is look at why you feel the need to change their opinion. Obviously, there is no place in this world for racism, so I think it’s important we speak up and help educate people and call them out when they’re not being respectful. And, if they choose to never change, it can be helpful to understand how that is affecting you. Can you get comfortable with knowing that you disagree on those points, and still love them and be around them anyway? (Perhaps with boundaries around conversations that could lead to racist remarks?) Or are their comments and actions so inappropriate or uncomfortable that you need to distance yourself from them? If the latter, you can tell them as much, such as saying, “I love you, AND I can’t listen to you talk like that. So if you’re unwilling to change, I’m no longer comfortable coming over.” (Another boundary).

Not an easy situation, no matter how you look at it.

Thanks. Is there any room to attempt changing their mind? Or should one just not cross that boundary even if it means them stewing in their (hostile, negative) feelings?

Hi Tom,

That’s tough. Have you tried my recommendations from the article?

Michael

Hi Brother,

This is a tough situation, and you’re right to suspect that validation will be a valuable tool in helping you navigate it. While it’s fairly easy to just walk away, or shut another person down, when we disagree and don’t care about damaging a relationship, it’s much harder to figure out how to disagree, hold your ground, and PRESERVE the relationship.

In the example you presented, I would take one of two approaches. The first would be to tell them that I’d like to “agree to disagree,” and then ask that we change the topic. (This is an example of a boundary, and one that would be entirely appropriate). If they continue to argue their point, I would set a firmer boundary such as telling them I will leave if they continue on in the conversation. “I love you and I disagree with you. And I would like to stay and keep talking, but not about this. Should I come back another time?”

The second approach I might take is one of curiosity. Asking as many questions as feel appropriate to better understand where the other person is coming from, to see if there is anything I CAN validate, to help them become more open to my perspective. So I might ask why those horrific actions were justified. Then I’d hear them out, and ask any follow-up questions that feel appropriate, until I feel I understand where their coming from.

I don’t have to (and likely won’t) agree with their viewpoint after that, but my goal will be to at least understand HOW they could come to such an extreme opinion. Most people generally act quite rationally, all things considered. Meaning most people’s actions and reactions are understandable once we fully understand their background, family upbringing, perception, trauma, etc. That doesn’t mean their viewpoint/opinion/interpretation is “right” or correct, but it often times IS fairly rational.

If I don’t find anything I feel I can validate, though, I will return to the first option: agree to disagree and set a boundary. But if I do uncover something I can validate (let’s say they witnessed or were a victim of a crime committed by someone of a particular race), I could validate that by saying, “that makes a lot of sense. Especially to have witnessed something so horrific.” And then, after a pause, say “AND, can you appreciate the fact that that doesn’t mean everyone is like that?” Or whatever my point is.

It’s all very situation dependent, but I hope that helps.

How would you recommend dealing with such a situation?

Hi Marni,

Thank you for reaching out. I have replied to you privately.

Michael

apparently, validation is not agreement.

Thank you for your reply, Michael. The additional information does, indeed, explain why you did what you did. I did wonder if there was more to this story than met the eye, but I made my comments in good faith based on the information before me. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate it. All the best.

Hi Sheila,

Thank you for your comment, as you raise some important observations and fair points.

To add some background to the situation, Jace was in a director role, and while he wasn’t this particular team member’s direct manager, he nevertheless had some stake in the project in question.

And as you suspected, there is much more background to the story than I’ve shared here—for privacy reasons as much as for brevity. Suffice it to say, prior to the project in question, this particular team member had demonstrated that he *was* under qualified for certain types of work, which had been made apparent by poor performance. So Jace’s fears were understandable and I felt it important to validate them.

I also agree wholeheartedly that speaking poorly of another team member—whether of similar standing or not—is unproductive and inappropriate. My conversation with Jace in this instance focused on helping him feel heard and understood, while also holding firm to my belief that this other team member *was* qualified for this particular project. So while I can appreciate how my retelling of the story here doesn’t make that clear, it was generally positive toward the other employee, and focused more on what I needed Jace to do to help.

I hope that color helps to better understand the story?

Michael

Hi Athena,

Thank you for taking the time to comment, and I’m happy to hear you’ve found this helpful. Glad to hear you’ll be having that conversation with him—”Me Time” is important!

Best,

Michael

I am used to being alone and enjoy my “me time” and I wanted him to understand that without sounding like we are not on the same page about future goals together. I can now have this conversation without any doubt in my mind. Thank you again!

In your case study, taken from your book, you refer to having placed an “under qualified” coworker in charge of “a few menial projects”. People will read this differently, of course, but to me that could come over as slightly belittling – both in terms of the capabilities of the person involved, and in the level of “importance” being assigned to the roles being fulfilled.

This “impression” could then be further compounded as in trying to “identify” with Jace, to understand where HE is coming from, you then go on to, potentially, further undermine the unnamed worker by agreeing that whilst he’s not necessarily the best fit for the job, he’s essentially good enough.

Also, it’s not clear to me whether Jace himself was in a senior enough position to warrant your discussing another employees relative merits, albeit indirectly.

If Jace was a fellow manager, who perhaps had a right to expect input into the choice, he is, perhaps, owed that sort of explanation.

If he was simply a peer of the coworker, I think you’ve potentially, and unintentionally, undermined the other chap.

Now, maybe you feel I’m nitpicking here although that is not my intent. I do understand the bigger point you’re making and, of course, I wasn’t there to hear the words you actually said. But when faced with a similar situation with coworkers of similar “standing”, I’d suggest it might be better to chose to emphasise the positive deployment of the resources best suited to the another, bigger job – leaving Jace to infer that the lesser able individual was placed in a lower value job – without my actually having to “agree” that that was the case. Just my two-penny worth.

Hi Thomas,

Couldn’t agree more. A handwritten note is powerful, especially in today’s day and age. Thanks for the suggestion!

Michael

Wow, Shawna, thank you for taking the time to share this! Your comment made my day. Kudos to you for the work you’re doing—especially as a single parent, raising two teenage girls is no small feat!

Hi Donna,

That is tough. And, as you’re posting this comment on the “Expectations” article, I trust that you’ve recognized that you have an expectation that he’ll pick up after himself. (Which, I might add, is perfectly reasonable!). So it is your responsibility now to communicate that to him, and to set appropriate boundaries with him so you don’t keep walking around resenting him. While I understand that you don’t want to bring it up because of his vile reactions, that’s codependency speaking, and the alternative (you quietly resenting him) is not kind. I guarantee he feels it from you, which means you’ll both benefit by your opening up the wound, setting clear boundaries, and taking responsibility for your happiness.

Now, as you have that conversation, I do recommend you study up on the language and validation techniques I teach here and on my podcast, as those will give you the best chance of success. But at the end of the day, he may still react negatively. At that point, you have to make a tough call: what are you and aren’t you willing to put up with? If he doesn’t change, can you get to a place where you’re genuinely happy anyway? If not, then you need to do something about it. Your happiness matters.

Michael

Hi Roxanne,

I agree 100% that it’s incredibly difficult to validate in these situations. Certainly, every situation is unique, and there are times when validation just doesn’t make sense, or even when it becomes counter-productive, such as when dealing with a narcissist.

In moments where emotions are high, and accusations seem downright absurd, I find it best to use curiosity as a precursor to validation. For example, if someone is blaming you for something that clearly isn’t your fault, you could respond in one of three ways:

1) Arguing back: “That’s not true!” (to which they’ll insist it is, and you begin an unproductive argument)
2) Validating [prematurely]: “I can see why you feel like this is my fault” (which is likely just lip service at this point, and therefore feels either patronizing to the other party, or weak to yourself)
3) Asking more questions: “Why do you feel like this is my fault?” (which requires them to explain themselves further, giving you more opportunities to ask questions, and ultimately uncover a misunderstanding you can validate, a false belief you can correct, and much more.

So while I’m not going to say we should always validate people, no matter the circumstance, I will say that in my experience, 9/10 arguments play out better when I do. But oftentimes I need to stay curious for a few moments—asking questions to better understand the situation and the other person’s perspective—before arguing back OR validating.

For further reading on this topic, check out my article: How Do You Validate Someone When They’re Angry With You?

Michael

Hi Shalz, happy to hear that! Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Hi John,

That is a tricky situation, to be sure. You absolutely have every right to want to build friendships and not take them into the flirting or dating realm. As to how best to communicate that to these women, that would differ from case to case. If you’d like to provide a specific example, I’d be happy to suggest some ways to approach it. In general, though, it will be important to remember that while there are ways to tactfully approach the situation to increase their chances of understanding or respecting your boundaries, they still may still choose to take it personally or respond poorly. If they want you to ask them out and find out you aren’t interested, they’re going to be disappointed. No way around that. But we of course hope they’re emotionally healthy enough to not take that out on you.

Michael

Hi Niya,

This is a great approach. Honest, direct, and boundaried. Well done.

Michael

I totally understand John. I like my own space and often tell men that I enjoy company and socializing, but I don’t wish for it to go any further. I find that being direct up front stops people from expecting it to lead somewhere. I also make it clear to men that they are welcome to sever the friendship if necessary for their own feelings.

Hi Keke,

That’s tough. Without knowing more of the history between you two, it’s difficult to give advice. If you’ve already expressed the desire to be surprised to flowers by him, you will likely need to again as he seems to not have fully understood just how much you appreciate receiving them. You might say something like, “Hey, I know I’ve mentioned this before, and I’m frankly a little embarrassed to even say this [if that’s true], but it’d really mean a lot to me if you’d surprise me with flowers every now and then. I know it probably seems weird for me to outright ask for them, but I’m realizing that that’s important to me, and it’d mean a great deal if you’d do that. Is that something you’d be willing to do?”

You’d obviously have to tweak that to be more how you’d speak, but hopefully it’s a starting place. Speaking generally, if someone doesn’t show up how we’re expecting, we need to 1) understand what we’re expecting, 2) ensure we’ve communicated those expectations, and 3) ensure they’ve agreed to try to meet those expectations.

Many times, we think we’ve been clear about a request or an expectation, when the other person thought it was just a casual conversation and doesn’t realize they’ve committed to doing something. In your case, he may need to have things more clearly spelled out, and then be given the opportunity to actually say, “Oh, yes, I understand. And I’ll be happy to do that for you.” Once you do that, you’ll know he’s received the message and feels it’s reasonable. Then, if another 6-12 months go by without flowers, it’s entirely appropriate to raise the topic again and get curious: “Remember when we talked about the flowers? I’m curious why you haven’t gotten me any since we last spoke?”

Relationships are tricky—no other way around it than to continuing to work on them, and keep that open communication.

Michael

Hi Siân,

Thank you for taking the time to comment and share. Every relationship is unique in how much “together” vs. “individual” time they need, and I’m thrilled to hear you’ve found the right mix.

Michael

Thank you for this article, I have really enjoyed reading your articles on Validation and they speak to me deeply as a lack of this is something that’s bothered me in many relationships but I could never quite articulate what I wanted until reading your articles.

My husband and I recently set specific days to spend time together rather than this being the default as I didn’t feel like I had any time for my interests since we became parents last year.

This is really working for us as we now both have time to do things that really enrich us and the time we spend together feels more intentional and connecting.

I’ll be getting your book soon as I’ve read almost all your articles now and can’t wait to see more.

Thank you for your insight and clear delivery, you’ve made it much easier for me to address my communication failings and take ownership of getting what I need.

Hi Colleen,

That’s not an easy spot to be in. And, I will say, you’re not alone. Some find that as they take a deep breath and begin validating their partner (with the understanding that they likely won’t receive the same in return—at least for the first while), their partner begins to soften and become more open to constructive dialogue around the issue. For some, the partner starts to notice the change, which helps them garner enough humility to entertain a discussion. From there, you might say, “I’ve been working on this. And it would mean a great deal to me if you’d be willing to work on this. However, it doesn’t always happen like that. I’ve seen others who do everything in their power to first work on themselves, set boundaries with their partner, see every therapist they can find, and still their partner won’t do their part. Every relationship is unique, and every individual in a relationship ultimately needs to take responsibility for themselves.

So, operating off very little insight into your particular situation, my advice is general: I suggest taking a look at how you’re doing with codependency, validation, communication, empathy, and—perhaps most importantly—boundaries. Nine times out of ten, doing a self evaluation on these principles either fixes root issues of the problems or shines light on the appropriate next step to doing so. Whether that be professional counseling, personal therapy, or even yes, in some cases, the divorce court.

Again, not an easy place to be in. Kudos to you for reading, researching, and doing the not-so-easy work. The fact that you’re doing that gives me confidence that you’ll find the right next step.

Michael

Hi Marilyn,

Love hearing that. Thank you for taking the time to comment!

Michael

Hi Brett,

Thank you for sharing, and I am sorry to hear about the difficulty in your marriage. I love that you’re seeking and learning, and not afraid to take a look at yourself in the relationship. I hope she will be willing to listen and learn; but if not, looking at ways you can improve yourself can only help. My best wishes to the both of you as you.

Michael

Hi Supam,

Love this. So true that we have a responsibility to work on ourselves first. 90% of the time, the “problems” in our relationships have more to do with us than with the other person anyway. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Michael

I couldn’t agree more.. Your content makes me pause for a moment and think this is how life is suppose to be! But again we need daily dose of motivation. I am glad I opened you email and read this article plus listened to your podcast. What a great start of the day.
A relationship is a two way equal work, but I have learnt in my new marriage the only thing you can do is work on yourself first, the changes you want to see in your relationship and your partner will eventually come. You just have to be patient. Like a tree a relationship doesn’t grows strong in days or weeks. Meanwhile just enjoy and trust the process.

Hi Jim,

Terribly sorry to hear about your divorce. I can’t even imagine everything you’re going through—with that on top of the health issues. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share; I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable. I suppose working to find balance will be a lifelong pursuit for many of us.
Michael

I currently I am in the middle of a divorce, getting treatment to shrink a tumor and my soon to be x-wife is battle ulcerative colitis. And we have two small children 2 and 4. But I am are getting through this hard time in my life and know that balance in the future will be the key and setting up priorities. 90% of life is how you react to it. But Mike you knew that already.

Thank you for all your work from your podcasts to your books.

Jim Infranca

Hi Bill,

Thanks for the comment. That’s good insight—-valuable to understand. Kudos to you for looking inward and working on yourself. That’s powerful, what you just mentioned. Thank you for sharing.

Michael

Invalidation can absolutely be harmful, and is often a part of emotional abuse. If you feel you are in such a relationship, I urge you seek the help of a qualified professional, as *any* abuse—emotional and/or physical—is completely unacceptable.

Thank you, and my heart goes out to you for your situation. That’s a tough place to be in, especially after so long.

Your last paragraph to Gecko is spot on. My husband and I have been going to marriage counseling for 10 years. However, while there have been small accomplishments made, my husband never thinks he’s part of the problem. When I try to talk to him about situations that are making me unhappy, he doesn’t like hearing that he’s doing things that make me feel that way, so turns it around that it’s my fault. Then he just continues to do things his way. Two years ago he also stopped therapy, feeling he no longer gets anything out of it. It’s so frustrating that after 45 years of marriage, this is what it’s become. I often say to myself “what has changed so drastically that he no longer feels I’m important”. Thank you for your comments; they make me feel like I’m not necessarily doing something wrong here.

Ugh, I’m so sorry. Dating is rough!

Agree x infinity!!! I love your response and copied it. I was recently abruptly let go after being strung along. False words and promises. He said all the right things. Ugh! I’m not so much mad at him as I am at how he did it. I hate lies. Totally wasted my time.

Hi Seth, absolutely. I will have my publisher contact you at the email you provided.

Best,

Michael

Hi Bonkashay,

You’re spot-on that your spouse wants validation—especially because when you ask what they’d like you to do, they say “nothing.” Remember that you can validate even when you disagree. There’s a lot of nuance and background in any relationship, so I’m having to make many assumptions here, but in general, a simple “Ugh…yeah, I heard the same thing,” or “Shoot. It’s always stressful trying to get to work in those conditions.” (And leave it at that). Then, if they respond and say, “I don’t want to go to work,” you can validate that again and say something like “I don’t blame you!” (Again, leaving it at that, and not trying to “fix” the situation).

Then, if they outright say, “I don’t think I’m going to go to work today,” and you both rely on the income they bring in, you can absolutely respond the way you suggested, or somehow point out that you both rely on that income: “I don’t blame you for not wanting to go in. AND, you know we need the money…”.

It feeling fake to you may mean you need to adjust it to your own manner of speaking–something that’s a little more true to you and how you speak. If any form of validation feels fake to you, you might then just “try it on for size” to see how it plays out.

Thoughts?

Michael

The conversation currently goes like this, “I saw on Facebook the roads are really bad.” “Okay, what would you like me to do?” “Nothing. Ugh.” What I really feel like my spouse wants me to validate is that they don’t have to go to work… but they do because we need income.

I get that I should be saying something more like, “I understand driving in the snow makes you anxious and it’s okay to feel that way why don’t you wait a bit until the plows come through and just let work know you’ll be late.” but that just sounds fake to me. Is there anything else I should try?

Thank you, Abril. I couldn’t agree more.

I experienced trauma last year that left me unable to work for a few months. I had two friends that constantly gave me “unsolicited advice” to “fix me.” In order to save money while I healed, I moved in with a not as a close friend. She gave me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me – she held space for me while having her own boundaries (https://upliftconnect.com/hold-space/). She just listened. It was more healing than all of the unhelpful unsolicited advice aka judgment my “fixers” poured upon me. I realized she and I didn’t have these drawn-out, circular conversations about my experiences, as I had with my two friends, because I didn’t feel like I needed to give them enough details or defend my feelings so they could be validated “rational” or “right” for them.

Stumbled across this page for insight on how to express this to my friends in effort to try to repair our relationships.

Accepting a person is not about condoning behavior, buying into their reality, or even understanding them. Its accepting that this is how the person’s feeling, thinks, believes, and operates and responding effectively.

Hi Jim,

Thank you for the kind words!

Michael

Hi Daniele,

Thank you. I just responded to your message.

Thanks,

Michael

Thank you,
Jim

Hi Chris,

I’m not certain I understand the situation – your girlfriend wanted you to validate her friend?

Michael

Thank you, Deb! I very much appreciate the feedback. Comments like yours keep me going. 🙂

Michael

Thanks,

Deb

I

Hi MeetMeHalfway,

I don’t blame you for a second for not wanting to sit and validate people for hours on end. And I don’t. I am a big proponent of boundaries, and strong believer that we are all responsible for our own happiness. (I preach often that we cannot “make” other people angry, “make” them sad, etc. nor should we try to.)

I have also found that, in most situations, I can validate someone and get right into my feedback in a matter of minutes—if not seconds. I’m not at all a proponent of coddling or walking on eggshells around people. We can be empathic and validating, while also being direct, assertive, boundaried, and efficient.

As with anything in life, there is a need to find the proper balance in difficult conversations. Certainly, if it’s working for you to get right to the point and duke it out with others, and all ends well with respect and understanding, then more power to you!

Michael

So, what do I do– I just say what I feel needs to be said, and if it turns off the more emotional types, then so be it. I’m willing to engage and explain myself, and if they can’t help this with a ton of coddling, then too bad???

I just get sick of the more emotional types always acting so tyrannical in these situations because when I’m dealing with thinkers we can disagree, give corrections, share opinions and keep things flowing without caring if one person is upset.

James, to be honest “I am glad you were able to vent” does not seems like a good start to me. Sorry that I am not validating your effort, I am new to this thing 🙂

Hi Alannah,

This is tricky, and something I appreciate you bringing up, as this post doesn’t acknowledge or speak to that very important point: not everyone will honor (or even respect, unfortunately) our expectations or requests. And, to further clarify, I’m not suggesting they *have* to. Though we of course hope they will at least listen, validate, and be respectful enough to have a conversation around why those expectations won’t work for them, and work with us to find some common ground.

At the end of the day, we are responsible for communicating our wants, needs, and expectations—just as it sounds you did. And, everyone else we talk to is responsible for the same. Sometimes, we get lucky, and the conversation goes well and our partner is happy to oblige. Other times, they aren’t willing (or able) to meet our expectations, but are happy to work with us to find some sort of compromise. And, still other times, they take offense (perhaps taking our comment personally), get defensive, and/or become aggressive, which effectively ends that discussion until they can get themselves back into truth and have a more respectful conversation.

Obviously, it is difficult to give specific advice for your situation without knowing how the conversation started, what the asks were, a little more of your background together, etc. If you’re comfortable sharing a bit more, feel free to email me here so you don’t have to post it all publicly. 😉

But as general advice, here are my thoughts:

1. When communicating an expectation, consider making it a question rather than a demand. For example, “Here’s what I would like. Are you open to that?” This clearly communicates your expectation and invites discussion around it.

2. Make it about you, not them. Rather than telling the other person how they’re not meeting your expectations, consider explaining your expectation as a discovery you’ve made about yourself. For example, instead of saying, “you never plan dates like you used to,” consider saying “I’m realizing I have an expectation that we’ll have a more formal date night every Friday, and I get bummed out when we end up just watching TV. I recognize that it may not be fair to expect that every week (“make” them angry—they are responsible for their own happiness. But not everyone knows how to have these conversations cordially. So taking this approach—and utilizing these language tweaks—can increase your chances of a respectful conversation.

3. The other person needs to be humble. This one is completely out of your control, though there are some ways you can open the door to it. Generally, when someone gets defensive, it’s because they don’t feel heard or understood. So even if you share your thoughts using the techniques above, the other person may go right into defense mode. From there, a little validation can go a long way toward inviting them out of it.

For example, if your spouse isn’t helping you tidy up the home at the end of the day, and they launch into how hard they work and why they feel they shouldn’t have to, you might say, “you’re right! You work *so* hard during the day—all the meetings, the calls, etc. I know are exhausting. And I’m sure helping me tidy up around the home is the *last* thing you want to do when you get home. It’s the last thing I want to do as well. And, it’s important to me that we keep a clean home. What can we do to make that happen?”

I’ll be curious to hear your thoughts.

Michael ]]> https://michaelssorensen.com/expectations-the-silent-killer-of-relationships/#comment-2013 Thu, 27 Feb 2020 05:23:45 +0000 https://michaelssorensen.com/?p=1226#comment-2013 This is awesome! However I have some points of concern with this method. I’ve tried expressing my clear expectations the best I could—and they were met with bitterness toward me and defensiveness for reasons why he wasn’t meeting my expectations. It didn’t go at all how I’d hoped (which is, humbly having an open mind to the other person’s POV, and at least trying to understand it). I also expressed THAT expectation that i would’ve hoped for him to be more open to the feedback and communication.
Any thoughts on how to better express those expectations? And secondly, how to mitigate the emotional weight if the person refuses to meet them?

Hi Steven,

Thank you for taking the time to reach out. It sounds like you’ve been able to find additional articles on my site diving deeper into validation. If you haven’t done so already, I do recommend you grab a copy of my book (available as audio or print—whichever you prefer), if you’re looking for the most thorough dive into the topic of validation. If you’ve already done so, and still have questions, my podcast—and the other articles on my site—are going to be your best bet.

Kind regards,

Michael

Hi Steven,

Thank you for commenting. I actually addressed that very question in the following article: https://michaelssorensen.com/does-validation-lose-its-power-when-both-people-know-about-it/

In short: yes, there can be times when validation feels more clinical than sincere, or when I’m consciously aware of someone validating me. It really all boils down to sincerity, though. If someone disagrees with me, yet is able to effectively validate the points they *can* agree on, it’s every bit as effective and appreciated.

Michael

Hi Tony,

Thank you for sharing. I hope you see great success!

Michael

Hi John,

Thank you for the kind words. Doing what I can!

Michael

Hi Amy,

Thank you for sharing. And I’m thrilled to hear you’re passing this on to your children. We really can’t learn this skill too early.

Michael

Also, I’m planning to use your information with my children, age 15 and 17, who spend more time bickering than they used to. As I said before, I already knew about validation, but hadn’t found a way of explaining it to them yet. I’ll be using the info on your blog to teach it to them.

Hi Knox,

You are most welcome. Thank you for taking the time comment—I’ll be eager to hear what you think of the book.

Michael

Hi Kim,

Thank you for taking the time to share. I’ll be curious to hear how it impacts your relationship. My hope and expectation will be that, once your partner feels heard and understood, they will be more open to your opinion. Ultimately a win-win and a gift you give by taking a few extra moments.

Best,

Michael

Hi,

Thanks for your articles on validation and empathy. My partner has expressed that I don’t validate his emotions before going into solution phase. I think this is because I am a goal-oriented person, and like you said in another article, I’ve been raised to be a fixer. I used to tell my partner that solutions were more important than feelings, but after reading your articles and others about Non-Violent Communication I realize validating emotions is the first step to diagnosing a need and developing a strategy. I will listen more to what my partner has to say before anything else because I now understand why validation fulfills the need for connection.

Thanks,

Kim

Thanks, Scott. It’s a good one!

Thanks, James. It’s tough when you try to show support for someone and they don’t respond how you’d liked. Texting is difficult, especially. I think your plan is a good one: keep validating. Chances are good your wife will start to recognize your efforts, and as is becomes more natural to you, your connection will (hopefully) increase.

Michael

“ I am glad you were able to vent. Those teachers you work with would annoy me too. I would def like to know the plan of the day. ”

However after I texted her that she did not respond with even a thank you. I guess I will keep validating. I know I don’t think a thank you all time.

Jim

Hi Dave,

My recent article, When Validation is Not the Answer, may address at least a few of your questions. Your question about whether we need to just be okay when people are always late, or people who don’t accept our feedback or requests to change, is addressed in my podcast episode and article on boundaries.

In general, though, heinous and egregious circumstances are absolutely not going to be solved by simply validating. Instead, I’d encourage you to look at validation as a tool—one that can likely still play an important role in the conversation or intervention—to help reach the best possible outcome.

In fact, former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss shares in his book, Never Split the Difference, how the FBI regularly uses validation in high-stakes hostage negotiations. These are situations where people are often not in their right mind, and are threatening to harm or kill dozens or hundreds of people, and validation still plays a key role in reaching a resolution.

Michael

In such instances isn’t it healthier to not validate? I am not being disingenuous, people have been talking a lot about validation and I am struggling to understand how to apply it it heinous and egregious situations. I have looked everywhere and can’t find dialogue on ‘validation’ in these situations and I want to understand.

Hi John,

So funny you post this—I literally just finished writing an article discussing this very point, and it addresses Narcissistic Personality Disorder specifically, and touches on BPD (simply linking to supportive research, as I don’t have experience with BPD): “When Validation is *Not* the Answer.”

Thank you for taking the time to comment and point out this distinction.

Michael

I am particularly concerned with the possible perception of boundaries if one is validating feelings of say an individual that exhibits Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder characteristics.

An example of this was when I was communicating to an individual who would use anger and aggression toward me when we discussed more serious matters.

There is simply no validation that could occur for an individual in this situation.

The individual said that I caused them to react to me in this way and that it was my fault she would communicate with anger and malice.

I just think this distinction is imperative to note.

Hi Bugsy,

“I experience validation as a way to show respect for another human being.” <-- I absolutely love that. You're spot on! Michael

Hi Cindy,

Thank you for taking the time to send this—it’s comments like these that keep me writing. While I am saddened to hear of your situation, I am thrilled to hear you have found this article empowering. Coming to a true understanding of what is “ours” and what is “theirs” is life changing. I wish you the very best.

Michael

Hi Carol,

I can absolutely see how this can come across that way. In my discussions with this individual, he mentioned that he had sat down numerous times with his wife to figure out what more he could do to support her and help ease the stress of the day. While it is not evident in the excerpt I posted, I understood his frustration to be around the fact that he is *trying* to lift the load and make sure he is carrying equal part of the responsibility, yet she brushes him off while continuing to complain.

My intent in sharing this exchange is to discuss healthy ways of approaching a situation in which a partner has received offers for help and viable solutions, but nevertheless chooses to remain in a victim mindset.

Regardless, I appreciate you raising this concern, as I am a strong proponent of both partners being complete equals in a relationship. The above situation could just as easily be a husband complaining to his wife, or a wife to a wife, or husband to a husband, a co-worker to a co-worker, a child to a parent, etc. As such, I have changed the pronouns to be gender neutral, so as to no longer detract from the principles being taught.

Kind regards,

Michael

Thank you, Linda—happy to hear that!

Hi Ahmen,

Happy to hear that. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Michael

Hi Thomas,

Perhaps this article will offer some insight:
https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/10/24/what-do-i-do-if-my-partner-is-constantly-complaining/

The two situations are different (complaining vs. anxiety), but the approach may nevertheless be useful in setting boundaries and helping the other individual recognize that they need to take action to get out of their current state of mind. Let me know your thoughts.

Michael

Hi Sadie,

Thank you! Perhaps you’ll find the following article helpful: https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/10/24/what-do-i-do-if-my-partner-is-constantly-complaining/

Best,

Michael

Hello Michael!

I had such a great read. I have a friend who has never opened up to me before and suddenly he’s started messaging me about a concern of his so I wanted to be a good listener as much as I can for him, thanks for the tips. I replied here because I would like to know if you’ve written another article regarding this concern, because I kind of relate to SS to.

Let me know and I’d be glad to read, thanks!

Thank you, Eric, and I agree. Hence my efforts to spread the word and get the message out there!

Hi Gecko,

Thank you for sharing, and for asking these questions. First off, let me say that I respect you for taking action and reaching out to other when you knew you needed help. That is *never* easy, especially in that dark of depression. It’s that type of responsibility that I’m absolutely advocating for.

And you hit the nail on the head when you said “I stayed with him knowing that I can’t rely on him emotionally.” You recognized that he wasn’t willing to change—at least not at that time—and you recognized that you had a choice in whether or not you’d stay.

You ask the question, though, “does this excuse my husband’s actions” and “do I need to sacrifice my own happiness?” And my answer to both is an emphatic “no.” From what you’ve described, his actions (or lack of action, perhaps) absolutely affects you, and only he has the power to change that. So where your responsibility comes into play here is deciding what you will and won’t put up with. I’m advocating for making your own happiness a priority, and making changes—whether in a situation, mentality, requests, boundaries, etc.—to ensure your needs are being met.

Does that make sense?

Michael

Thank you.

I feel that Science of getting rich is more like a text book. Not a page turner but contains great treasure of information.

Hey Steph(?),

I’m glad you’ve brought this up, as you’re not the first to pose the question, and I’m getting it enough that I have begun a more in-depth article on the subject. (Update: the article can now be found here.)

The short answer is this: you do not need to always be at people’s beck and call, and you should always tend to your own emotional health and happiness first, before trying to help others. (Think of the “put on your own oxygen mask before helping others” principle from airline safety briefings). Most everyone will run into situations like what you’ve described—where no matter how much you validate, the other person keeps coming back for more and it begins to damage the relationship.

Depending on the nature of that relationship, you’ll either set boundaries, give them feedback on how their negative attitude is affecting you, change the way you interact with them, or simply work away from having a relationship with them. I’ll put some thoughts together into a more formal article in the next week or so, so subscribe to the blog or check back later.

Michael

Thanks, Cody. It’s been a while since I’ve read Crucial Conversations – I’ll brush up on it!

Oh yes…much easier said than done. Thank you for the kind words.

These principles are beautiful and should be taught at school.
Suscribed to blog.
Keep up wonderful work 🙂

Right? So simple, but a game changer.

Hi Cody,

Thrilled to hear you’re finding the content valuable. Regarding subscribing to the blog, there is now a form available at the very bottom of the page to subscribe. (You’re not crazy—it wasn’t there until this morning. 😉 )

I’m hoping to get that article up early next week and will look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Michael

Hi Jeanie,

Right? And interesting insight on the “chemistry” piece—I hadn’t thought of that, but could see how it could be interpreted that way. Best of luck with the dating!

Michael

Hi Natalie,

How cool that those words popped into your head, and even cooler that you pursued them and came across my site. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment!

Michael

Hi Karleen,

Excellent question—I think I’ll write a post about how to address that specifically. Subscribe to the blog to be notified when it posts!

Michael

Hi Kim,

Thrilled to hear you’re already seeing success. Sounds like a plan to me!

Michael

Hi Marsha,

Happy to help in whatever way I can. I’m not completely clear on what you’re looking for suggestions for, though; feel free to email me via the contact page and we can chat more.

Michael

Hi Deborah,

You could approach that situation in a few ways. In all of them, I recommend at least attempting to match the other person’s energy and respecting that they are feeling upset, even if you don’t think it’s something they should be upset by.

First, you could say something like, “Ugh…that’s frustrating” or “that’s hard…” (with as much empathy as you can muster). These responses don’t necessarily mean you would find the situation frustrating, but could simply mean that you acknowledge that *she’s* frustrated by it. This response could be thought of as essentially saying, “I see that that’s frustrating [to you],” without sounding patronizing and disconnected.

Alternatively, if you’re having a hard time feeling empathy or sympathy for her, you might try asking more questions to better understand the situation. For example: “What about it is frustrating to you?” Done tactfully, these curious questions show interest and concern, while helping you better understand the situation and hopefully develop greater empathy.

Thoughts?

Question about this the work situation with Kate: So what if it would not drive me crazy? I would tend to say something like, “I hear that you’re feeling frustrated with the changeability and unpredictability of her actions, and that you don’t feel heard or like your needs are being met.”

Hi Jessica,

Thank you for taking the time to share. It’s not always an easy thing to do, so kudos to you for putting it into practice.

Michael

Agreed! Easier said than done…

Hi Connie,

That article is now live: https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/06/19/what-to-do-if-your-partner-isnt-great-at-listening-or-validating/

Hi Georgette,

I’m happy to hear you’ve found it insightful. And I’m sorry to hear that you feel invalidated in your relationship—that’s never a fun feeling and can certainly put a strain on a relationship.

If you haven’t read it already, I published an article with some thoughts on how to handle such a situation that you might find helpful: https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/06/19/what-to-do-if-your-partner-isnt-great-at-listening-or-validating/

Best,

Michael

This was perfect validation with clarification. I have learnt a lot from the article as someone who is always feeling invalidated in my relationship. It makes more sense to me now why I resent my partner. I never felt heard or understood. I’m dismissed or discounted with these invalidations.

Hi Emy,

Thank you for taking the time to comment—I’m thrilled to hear you’re finding the content valuable. It’s always nice to hear from readers and gives me the motivation to keep writing!

Michael

Thank you, Lola—I’m glad you brought this up. I see now that that example, without more context, can send the wrong message. I was imagining an argument where the upset individual heard untrue rumors about the other person. In that instance, the person validating (the one who *was* there) could still validate the other person’s emotions (they are upset because of what they *heard* happened), while also sharing more details surrounding the experience.

You are spot-on that telling someone that what they experienced wasn’t “real,” or that they are in some way being irrational, is presumptuous, disrespectful, and counter productive. I’m a big proponent of non-judgment, and allowing people the space to properly deal with and process difficult emotions. Thank you for weighing in!

Hi Connie,

Love the question. I’m actually nearing completion on an entire article addressing exactly that. If you haven’t already, I invite you to subscribe to be notified when it’s published. In short: it’s important that we share with the other person that validation is important to us, and invite them to learn more about it. That’s easier said than done, but my upcoming article explores several considerations and dives into a few non-threatening ways to strike up a conversation around it.

Michael

Thanks, Nathalie! My apologies for the late reply—I thought I had already responded. If you haven’t seen it already, the article re: validating someone when you don’t agree is up: https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/04/09/how-to-validate-someone-when-you-dont-agree-with-them/

Hi Scott, thank you for sharing. I agree—it’s a powerful principle, and often quite simple to implement. I’m also right there with you when it comes to slipping up at home. I literally wrote a book on the topic, yet still find myself jumping into advice or assurance when my wife just wants to vent. It’s never a perfect science, but certainly becomes second-nature with time!

I haven’t read that—I’ll have to check it out!

Hi Suzanne,

Thank you for the kind words. I’m thrilled to hear you’re finding the book helpful!

Michael

Hi Nathalie,

I agree that it’s natural to expect unrequested acts of service/love from people you care about. I suppose the first question is whether or not you’ve told your boyfriend that you enjoy picnics? Or, better yet, that you’d appreciate it if he would plan one, or surprise you from time to time? While some might say having to have such a conversation is unromantic, I find it’s simply a part of having a healthy, open relationship. What to you may seem obvious (that you like picnics and/or unexpected surprises) may actually not be so obvious to your boyfriend. Thoughts?

Michael

For example: I know my boyfriend likes a nice breakfast, without him to express his expectation I arrange a nice breakfast for him, cause I care, I love him so I like to “please” him…. so yes I expect him to please and consider me too, without me asking him… but often he does not!
I would find it great too if he organised for me a pick-nick for example because he knows I like that, without me needing to ask<
giving things to people without them asking is for me consideration.
Yes I expect unrequested consideration of my lover.
Does that make sence?

Several years ago I had this discussion with a manager at work who noticed that I was abrasive without trying to be. I was so quick to answer questions that I never validated a person’s perspective. He said you can literally agree with them by saying “Great point! Thanks for taking the time to explain that.” and the proceed to explain what you think that completely disagrees with their point. The power is in that you first acknowledged their perspective even if you disagreed.

Now for the stinging part to myself. I have done this well at work now that I know it, but terribly at home. Time to re-remember that powerful lesson I learned long ago and employ it in the home!

Hi Brandon,

Excellent question — I address this in my latest article: https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/04/09/how-to-validate-someone-when-you-dont-agree-with-them/

Michael

Hi Sandy,

Love to hear that! Thank you for reaching out!

Michael

I want to ask about the copyright of this book.
Please send me an e-mail first through the e-mail I wrote here.

Thank you so much!

Best,

Hi Alyse, so happy to hear that! Thank you for the kind words. If you’re in the market, I’ll be curious to hear what you end up with. Happy hunting!

I’ve been reading the talk “What lack I yet?” by Larry Lawrence. I love his counsel to ask God what you should work on. When making goals and resolutions I had never thought about that before!